Relax Jack
by Deepdale
Summary: Just an off the cuff little piece. Part 2. What if Sam found out?
1. Default Chapter

Title:                 RELAX JACK

Author:              Deepdale

Spoilers:           Tiny for Changeling and Season 7

Rating:              G

Summary:         This came to me while I was attending a relaxation class (which if you've never given it a try is great).  There I was trying to empty my mind of all stray thoughts and I got this visual of Jack in the self same situation.  Didn't help with the class but it seemed like a wild idea for a short piece of nonsense.  I hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer:        Stargate SG! And its characters do not belong to me; I just like to take them out for a spin from time to time.  

…                     This story is for entertainment purposes only.

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"Jack you really need to learn to relax," said Daniel, calmly removing a priceless artefact his friend was trying to juggle with.

"I don't," Jack replied.

"Yes, you do."

"No I don't."

"Okay, let's take this morning as an example.  When Sergeant Siler dropped that hammer he was carrying."

"What about it?" Jack asked.

"If you'd been armed you'd have shot the poor man.  You need to lighten up."

"Oh please, I'm a finely tuned instrument, honed to perfection from years of training, the ideal specimen of military prowess."

"If you say so," Daniel removed the book Jack was now flicking through.

"Hey," Jack protested.

"Don't you have any pressing engagements?" Daniel asked in despair.

"Nope, not a thing, free as a bird.  Thought you might like some company."

Daniel sighed.

"What?" Jack demanded.  "You want me to go?  Fine, I'll go see what Carter's up to."

"No!" Daniel knew Sam was currently engrossed in an extremely difficult experiment on a tiny amount of Naquadria; Jack's presence in his current mood could blow the entire base to kingdom come.  "She's very busy Jack."

"Daniel Jackson," Teal'c spoke from the doorway.

"What the…" Jack almost levitated.  "For cryin' out loud Teal'c, ever thought of wearing a bell round your neck?"

"For what reason?" asked Teal'c.

"So I'd know when you were creeping up on me."

"I was not creeping.  You seem tense O'Neill."

"I AM NOT TENSE," Jack bellowed, and Daniel moved another small statue from his vicinity.

"I stand corrected," said Teal'c mildly.

Daniel had a bright idea.  "Teal'c, are you still attending those relaxation classes?"

"Indeed I am Daniel Jackson."

"You," Jack laughed.  "Relaxation classes.  Oh please.  Isn't that what Kelnoreem's for?"

"Since I no longer have my symbiote O'Neill, I no can no longer attain the same level of meditation.  I have been taking classes to learn new techniques, which are very useful."

Jack laughed louder.  "I'm sorry," he managed to say.  "It's not you, it's the visual, a room full of hippies all contemplating their navels and you, big fella, got to admit it sounds pretty funny."

"I see no reason for amusement," said Teal'c.

"Of course you don't," Jack was now doubled over.  "Oh this is priceless."

"I think you should try it Jack," Daniel told him.

"No thanks, long hair and beads never suited me."

"They're not a bit like that," Daniel told him patiently.

"You too?" Jack looked at him with surprise.

Daniel blushed slightly, "It's helped, I've not been sleeping particularly well since I came… back.  Teal'c suggested it and I have to say I'm a total convert.  No navel contemplation in sight.  Come with us."

"A world of no."

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Jack glanced round the room, it was decorated in muted shades, sheer curtains at the windows diffusing the sunlight, pictures of peaceful landscapes, calm seas, stunning sunsets covered the walls.  Then he looked at the other people in the room.  Not a hippy in sight.  No long hair, no straggly beards and definitely no long strings of beads.  Instead they looked perfectly ordinary everyday people.  One or two were clearly in work suits, another woman was heavily pregnant and a couple more were probably still at college.

"Remind me again why I'm doing this," he hissed to Daniel.

"Because you are wound tighter than a fiddler's elbow and you need help learning how to relax," Daniel said with patience.  "And you stand to lose fifty dollars to both of us if you don't see it through," he added.

"Yeah, right," Jack sighed.  "So where's our new age tutor?"

An ordinary looking woman walked through the door and smiled at her class.  "Hey guys, good to see you.  And you must be Jack."

"Er, yeah," Jack replied.

"Daniel told me all about you when he phoned."

"Oh he did, did he?" Jack turned to glare at his friend.  "Remind me to beat the crap out of you if I survive this."

"I'm Kathleen, and I promise you'll survive it just fine.  Okay people, let's get comfy."

The class dispersed around the room, some sat on chairs, some on the floor, backs against the walls.

"On behalf of our new member, Jack, I'm going to start with one of the easier relaxation lessons.  I know you've all done it before so it should be a piece of cake."

"Piece of cake my eye," Jack muttered under his breath, mirroring Daniel and taking a seat on the floor, back straight, legs out front, no shoes.  From the corner of his eye Jack could see Teal'c on one of the chairs, hands resting lightly in his lap looking completely relaxed already.

"When you're comfortable," Kathleen began.  "Hands on knees or in laps, that's it.  Now close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing."

Jack watched as the rest of the class obligingly closed their eyes and began to take deep breaths.  Oh well, one hundred dollars stood to be lost if he didn't at least make some kind of attempt.  He closed his eyes.

"Breathe slowly from your diaphragm Jack," Kathleen said.  "In through your nose… hold, two, three, four and then slowly out through your mouth.  That's right.  And again."

This is easy, Jack thought, I can breathe, yeah, piece of cake, in through the nose, out through the mouth.  There's nothing to this relaxation stuff.

"Now I want you to imagine a ball of bright white energy sitting just above your head," Kathleen went on in her soft voice, mood music that sounded like waves washing on a beach playing in the background.  "Have we all got a visual?"

Big ball of energy thought Jack, oh boy.  "Friend of yours?" he asked Daniel out the side of his mouth.

"Jack," Daniel murmured.  "Behave."

"Now this ball of light is going to slowly move down until it's touching your head, you can feel it moving over your hair, down your forehead, over your eyes, smoothing the tension away as it goes."

Jack snorted.

"What?" hissed Daniel trying to concentrate on Kathleen's voice.

"Ever seen the Matrix?  Got a visual of what's his name being sucked in, covered in that silvery stuff."

"Try harder," Daniel growled at him.

"Touchy, touchy.  I am trying."

"Not hard enough.  Shut up."

"Yes Dr Jackson."

"Let the warmth from the light soak into your body, feel it warming your arms, warming your hands and fingers.  Don't worry if your fingers start to tingle Jack, it's just your muscles relaxing.  Now let the warmth move on down into your legs, into your thighs, into your calves, into your feet, your toes…"

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"And when you're ready open your eyes and bring yourself back inside the room," Kathleen finished.

Daniel opened his eyes and stretched, enjoying the feeling of absolute relaxation that always followed a class.  He turned his head slowly to check Jack was still there, he had gone very quiet and Daniel had wondered for a moment if he might have snuck out.  No, Jack was still there, eyes still closed.  Was he?  Could he be?  Daniel caught Teal'c's eye and inclined his head in Jack's direction.  Teal'c followed his movement, a smile breaking through his normal solemn exterior.  Oh yes, Jack was.

"Hey Jack," Daniel said softly.

"Wha…?" Jack mumbled.  "Go away Daniel."

"Class is over Jack, time to come back to the real world."

"Huh?" Jack's eyes opened under protest and he slowly took in his surroundings.  Oh boy.

"Do you get it now?" Daniel asked him.

"It was…interesting.  Hardly life changing."

"Really?" Daniel raised his eyebrows.  "You think?"

"A big ball of light, I mean, what is that.  Hey, is it me or has the heating gone off in here?"

"That's your body reacting to being relaxed," Kathleen told him.  "You might also find you need a drink, there's a water cooler in the corner."

"Oh.  Right.  Thanks."

"My pleasure Jack," Kathleen grinned at him.  "I thought you might be a difficult subject, you certainly tried hard enough to be, but I think you got the idea in the end."

"Once I got passed the sensation of ice-cream melting on my head," said Jack grudgingly.  "It was…different."

"Different is good," Kathleen assured him and moved on to talk to another of her class.

"Looks like you get to keep your money," said Daniel with a cheeky grin.

"Sorry to disappoint you," Jack retorted.  "Can we go now?"

"Sure.  Ready Teal'c?"

"Indeed I am Daniel Jackson."

The three friends put on their shoes and made their way from the classroom.

"Oh damn," Jack said.  "I've left my…phone back there.  You guys go on, I'll catch you up."

Jack put his head round the classroom door, relieved to find Kathleen alone.

"Hey Jack, what can I do for you?"

He felt stupid.  No, go for it.  "I was wondering, do you run any other classes, ones my friends don't attend?"

"Sure I do.  Thursday evening, eight til nine."

"Okay.  Right.  Good."

"Will I see you there?"

"Um…"

"I hope so.  Goodbye Jack."

"Bye Kathleen.  And thanks."

"Any time."

THE END.


	2. Chapter 2

Stand down.  Day four.  The day boredom normally set in and this was no exception.  SG1 were all acknowledged adrenaline junkies and sitting around the base waiting for their next mission was hard on one and all, base staff included.  Carter heaved a sigh and closed down the computer terminal she'd been working on in her lab, trying to iron out a wrinkle in one of the X-303's command routines.  All necessary stuff but hardly riveting.  Time for a distraction.  And no-one did distraction quite as well as the Colonel.

First stop the commissary.  Not there.  Which was strange.  She filled a mug with fresh coffee and spent a while watching the ebb and flow of base life, speaking to a couple of the guys, having a laugh with Janet.  After half an hour the Colonel still hadn't shown.  He wasn't usually able to go that long without stopping by for something to eat.  Curious.  Time to try somewhere else.

The gym.  Teal'c was busy lifting weights that it would take two normal men to lift and not even breaking a sweat.

"Hey Teal'c."

"Major Carter."

"Everything okay?"

"Everything is very well with me."

"Good, good.  Um, have you seen Daniel and the Colonel?"

"I have not."

"Oh well, okay, thanks anyway.  Don't strain anything," Sam added.

"There is little chance of that," he assured her in his usual deadpan way.

So, not the gym.  How about Daniel's lab?  It was close enough to her own to normally know when the Colonel was bothering Daniel, the sound of breaking objects, falling books was pretty much a given that he was driving Daniel quietly to distraction.  Not that Daniel would dream of throwing him out, he was too nice and too patient for such behaviour.  Sam glanced round the open door.  Empty.  No sign of either of them.  No pieces of the Colonel's latest 'accident' littering the bench, no indication he'd been there at all.  Now this was getting weird.

Most senior members of staff kept quarters on base, rather than sharing the communal dormitories with other personnel and that was Sam's next port of call.  A quick ride in the elevator delivered her to the relevant floor and she rapped briskly on the Colonel's door.

"Colonel, sir, are you in there?"  Nothing.  "Okay, I'm coming in," she warned, just in case, you know, he was engaged in anything that could embarrass them both, like getting dressed.  You get the picture.  Sam opened the door and quickly scanned the room.  Bed unmade, hardly unusual, the Colonel still believed in fairies that came in and did the cleaning by magic.  Fishing magazine on the nightstand.  No recent signs of occupation, no noise from the bathroom.  Not there.  Okay, so had he been whisked away by the Asgard and no-one had noticed yet?  Because it was usually easy to find Colonel O'Neill, you just followed the noise and bingo, one Colonel.

Daniel's quarters were just a little further down the corridor, her next stop.  To lose the Colonel was one thing, to lose both of them was…odd.

"Daniel," Sam called softly as she tapped.  Again nothing.  Sam opened the door slowly and took in the scene.

Daniel was sitting quietly, legs crossed, his attention focussed on a burning candle situated directly in front of him.  And the Colonel…  Sam closed her eyes and opened them again.  No.  He couldn't.  Could he?  Colonel O'Neill was sitting on the floor a little away from Daniel, legs outstretched and the focus of his attention was… a piece of pie.

Neither of them heard her, neither of them noticed her intrusion.  Sam backed out carefully and closed the door.  Teal'c.  He would know what it was all about.

"Colonel O'Neill was hoping that you would not find out," Teal'c told her.

"Find out what?  What are they doing for goodness sake Teal'c?"

"Meditating."

"Meditating?" Sam's eyebrows shot up.  "The Colonel?  Okay Daniel I get, but the Colonel?"

"Daniel suggested he might like to accompany us to a relaxation class.  The Colonel does not relax easily."

"You can say that again," Sam replied.  "And he agreed?"

"He did.  He stood to lose a great deal of money to both Daniel Jackson and myself if he did not at least try it."

"Now see, that makes much more sense," said Sam with a grin.  "So the Colonel has been going to relaxation classes.  That is a strange concept."

"Indeed."

"When I saw him…," Sam struggled to explain.  "Daniel was concentrating on a candle and that I get, but why was the Colonel focussing his attention on a piece of pie?"

"I believe his reasoning was that a candle was all too 'hippy' for him.  He also struggled with the concept of a ball of bright white light, claimed it had to be a friend of Daniel's passing through."

Sam snorted with mirth at the mental picture Teal'c was conjuring.  That was so like the Colonel.

"The class teacher suggested he try focussing on something he likes," Teal'c continued.  "I believe he finds pie the easiest."

Sam laughed.  She tried really hard not to, but face it; the idea of your CO attending relaxation classes and then meditating on a piece of pie was simply one step too far.  Sam didn't just laugh, she laughed so hard there were tears streaming down her face and she developed a nasty stitch in her side.

"This I believe is why Colonel O'Neill was hoping to keep his attendance of relaxation classes quiet on the base," said Teal'c with resignation.

"I'm sorry Teal'c," Sam gasped.  "Don't worry, his secret is safe with me.  I won't tell anyone that Colonel O'Neill meditates on a piece of pie.  Cross my heart."  Well, except for Janet of course, the news should have her splitting her sides as well.  After all they had all been the butt of the Colonel's childish sense of humour on more occasions than Sam cared to recall, it would be great to have some ammunition to finally use back at him.  Oh yes, Janet had to know…


End file.
